Affirm and Empower With Better Questions

Questions are a critical mode of communicating and have great potential to affirm and empower when used effectively. Here are four types of questions, arranged from least to most effective.

Rhetorical Questions

When you already know the answer. Rhetorical questions are meant to make a point, persuade others, or ridicule, not to seek information. Examples:

“Are you kidding me?”

“Why wouldn’t you do that?”

“Didn’t you mean for that to happen?”

Rhetorical questions are least effective to affirm and empower because they dismiss another person’s perspective, often convey an attitude of contempt, and do not invite any involvement other than to agree or be wrong. Because of this, most people become defensive or shut down in response to rhetorical questions.

Rhetorical questions are best left for the debate stage or courtroom.

Closed-Ended Questions

Closed-ended questions offer the recipient only two options: yes or no. Examples:

“Are you going to the meeting tomorrow?”

“Do you like Agatha?”

“Do you support candidate X for president?”

Closed-ended questions aren’t much better than rhetorical questions, but at least they allow for some choice in responding. Closed-ended questions have limited utility, mostly in situations where there are truly only two options, or when playing a game of 20 questions. They are safe because the answer options are known in advance. Using closed-ended questions too much invites others to feel restricted because it doesn’t encourage autonomy of thinking.

Multiple Choice Questions

We can all recognize multiple-choice questions from polls, quizzes, and surveys. More than two options allow you to choose your answer with a bit more precision, but your choices are still prescribed in advance. Without realizing it, many people ask multiple-choice questions in daily conversations, too. Examples:

“Where do you want to put the Christmas tree? Near the window, by the entry, or in the dining room?”

“How was your first semester of teaching? Did you get used to the routine? Did other teachers support you? Were the parents difficult?”

How do you think we should tell the client? Maybe an email? Or a phone call? Or we could wait until the next meeting.”

All these examples start well, but are ruined by the person continuing to offer their own options for answers. When I hear these types of questions, I wonder if the other person really even cares about my answer. Are they just using me as a sounding board, or are they subtly guiding me towards an answer they want to hear? Or do they just like to hear themselves talk?

Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are the most affirming and empowering because they show you care about another person’s point of view, and they invite others to own their answer rather than just choose among options. Examples:

Where would you like to put the Christmas tree?

How was your first semester teaching?

How do you think we should tell the client?

What do you value most about our team?

What would an ideal outcome look like for you?

Open-ended questions are the most curious and vulnerable type of question precisely because they create the opportunity for affirmation and empowerment. Stepping up to authentically answer an open-ended question requires courage and commitment. This can be scary for some people, especially if they have mostly been on the receiving end of rhetorical and closed-ended questions.

A BIG caveat here. Open-ended questions become affirming and empowering only if you offer an opportunity for the person to respond and you take seriously what they say. If you manipulate a person’s response to be the on-ramp for whatever you really wanted to talk about, it’s ruined. If you dismiss or minimize what they say, it’s ruined.

So, if you intend to affirm and empower others, pay close attention to how you respond to their answer. Don’t judge what they say, thank them for sharing their perspective, and ask follow-up questions to show you aren’t just using them to tee up your next topic.

The Neuroscience of Curiosity: A Leader’s Untapped Superpower

The critical difference between being curious and interested.

The Compassion Mindset sees all people as valuable, capable, and responsible. When these switches are turned on, people feel affirmed and empowered. The types of questions we ask telegraph whether our switches are on or off.

Copyright Next Element Consulting, LLC, 2026