How To Show You Care

How do you show you care? It’s not always easy to know what to say or how to express it.

The other day I was working from a coffee shop. I heard a barista say to her colleague, “I really felt for her.”  I could tell from the tone of her voice that this young woman was genuinely impacted by whatever the other person was going through.

We’ve recently lost two people who are fairly close connections to us, both in car accidents. As I read the condolences and comments on Facebook and in group texts, I see the intensity of emotions and how everyone is trying to express them and show how much they care. It’s not just about showing support for those closest to the person who died, it’s also about sharing our feelings within a community. We all hurt, together.

Compassion starts with caring. In our framework called The Three Switches of The Compassion Mindset®, the first switch is Value. This means we start with a fundamental belief that all humans are valuable and deserve to be cared about and cared for. Whether in personal or professional settings, it is critical that we truly care about our fellow human beings.

But how do we show it? Sometimes that’s the hardest part. How many times have you heard someone say, “I know my father (substitute coach, boss, or partner) loves me although they don’t show it”? My advice is this –  don’t be that father, coach, boss or partner. Anyone can learn to show how much they care.

Here are three ways to show you care, based on the three strategies of Openness that we teach in our The Compassion Mindset course.

Validate Experiences

Everyone’s experiences are real to them, whether or not we can relate. Validating another person’s experience means seeing it, affirming it, helping them name it, and not judging it. So often when we are going through tough things, we wonder if anyone would care or understand. We worry about being judged or misunderstood. Here are some examples of validating someone’s experiences.

“It’s OK to be angry.”
“I see how embarrassed you are.”
“I hear you.”
“I’m listening.”

Empathize

When the barista said, “I really felt for her,” what did that mean? Perhaps her friend’s experience triggered a memory or similar feeling she had experienced before. Or maybe it was just sympathy or pity. We don’t know.

There are several types of empathy. Cognitive perspective-taking is when you put yourself in another person’s shoes and attempt to understand what it is like. That’s more about respect than it is about caring. Emotional empathy is when we connect at an emotional level with someone because we feel something similar. It’s not about feeling FOR someone, it’s about feeling WITH them.

Emotional empathy is how humans know they aren’t alone in their experiences. If you can relate, emotionally, to what someone is going through, when you express it to them it can be a huge gesture of caring. Here are some examples.

“I remember feeling like that. It hurts so bad.”
“Me too! When I started my first job I was scared to death.”
“I’ve experienced the agony of waiting for that phone call. I’m with you.”

Disclosure

Disclosure is when you share your experiences with someone else. Disclosure often feels vulnerable because you are sharing something personal, something raw, something that you don’t know how it will land. Nevertheless, there are some important reasons to disclose.

Disclosure lets others know you are human too. This is invaluable in personal and professional settings because it helps provide psychological safety by setting the tone that it’s OK to talk about what matters to us. Disclosure gets a load off. Bottling up your feelings never ends well. Expressing them in healthy ways is good for you. Finally, disclosure invites a more open community of caring. In the group chats and Facebook conversations about the friends we lost, seeing others express their sadness, anger, and confusion let me know it was OK for me to share how I felt as well. Here are some examples of disclosure.

“I feel angry about what happened.”
“I’m torn up inside.”
“I am so sad.”
“I’m excited about this weekend’s volleyball game!”

Validating, empathizing, and disclosing each have a place and time. Each one helps you show that you care about yourself and others. When you develop your skills in each strategy, you can create stronger personal relationships and, as a leader, build teams that support each other and produce at a higher level.

Copyright Next Element Consulting, LLC 2024