Three Surefire Ways to Make Sure a Victim Stays a Victim

Posted on September 4, 2015 by Nate Regier / 1 comments
Share via

Have you ever tried to convince a victim that they are OK?

They complain that nobody respects them, that they are unlikable, and that the world is conspiring against them.

With such noble intentions you attempt to persuade them otherwise. You may use one of these techniques.

The affirmation

With a delusional optimism, you try countering their negativity with your positivity. You say things like, “You are a great person,” or “I like you.”

And they argue back, countering, “You’re just saying that to be nice.”

So you try plan B.

Throw the haters under the bus

If they won’t believe you like them, then discount the haters with comments like, “Well, those people just don’t know you like I do. They are miserable and that’s their problem.”

Nice try! Victims won’t let you win that easy. Because their arsenal of evidence is stocked.

“It’s not just my boss, it’s everyone. At church, at school, and at work people treat me like a looser.”

Most of us will try plan C sooner or later.

The logical argument

Hey, you learned this in science class. If you can find one example that contradicts the hypothesis, then you must reject it. “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit,” right?

So you argue, “Not EVERYONE thinks you’re a loser. There’s me, and your mom. We think you’re wonderful.”

By now you’ve done such a great job of leading your beloved victim into the corner that there are only two options left – both of them are existential suicide.

Option A: Agree with you that SOMEBODY thinks they’re OK, and be proven wrong once again.

Option B: Continue to discount what you’ve said and reinforce the belief that they are worthless.

Either way, they lose and you win. That’s their life script. And you just got punked.

The problem with this common scenario is that the victim doesn’t experience the simultaneous message that “You are OK.” AND “You are responsible for your OK-ness.”

Stop believing you can make someone OK by proving them wrong.

Stop reinforcing the myth that someone else can make them OK or not-OK.

It’s your job to support them and hold them accountable for their own OK-ness.

How do you do this? Subscribe to my blog and receive regular updates on practicing compassionate accountability in work and life. Explore our Leading Out of Drama system and develop your skills for transcending energy vampires.

Like Next Element on Facebook

Follow @NextNate on Twitter

Connect with Nate on LinkedIn

Beyond-Drama-Book-w_reflections-and-shadowBuy Nate’s book, Beyond Drama: Transcending Energy Vampires

Visit Nate’s Speaker Page, or contact us about booking Dr. Regier for a speaking engagement.

Book Your Next Keynote Speaker

Dr. Nate Regier

Author and Co-founder of Next Element, Dr. Nate Regier is available to speak at your upcoming event.

Submit a Speaker Request

Podcast: Listen to Nate "On Compassion"

On Compassion with Dr. Nate Listen to the Podcast

Join Our Community

Want To Republish Our Posts?


Photo of Tom Leahy
Tom Leahy
Posted on September 14, 2015


You rock! I read just about every post. Wow.

Can’t wait ’til our next cup of coffee.


Photo of Nate Regier
Nate Regier
Posted on September 15, 2015

Thanks Tom! Looking forward to seeing you as well!

Leave comment for this reply

Add comment

Your comment will be revised by the site if needed.

Leave comment for this reply

Add comment

Your comment will be revised by the site if needed.

Add comment

Your comment will be revised by the site if needed.