The Surprisingly Small Gap Between Empathy and One-Upping
Share viaI hate it when I disclose something important, perhaps an emotional story or experience I had, and the other person always has a bigger, better, more emotional story. They interrupt my mojo with something like, “I know, right! The same thing happened to me!’ or “You think that’s bad. Let me tell you what I went through last year.”
Has this ever happened to you?
When it comes to empathy, there are basically three kinds of people.
Narcissists
These people can’t stand not being the center of attention so their agenda is to one-up and steal the limelight. They have no empathy but they focus in on emotion as a way to steal attention.
Masters of Empathy
These people have empathy and are moved by what others share. They can relate and want you to know that because they really do care. And they do it in a wonderfully affirming way without drawing attention to themselves.
Good Hearted One-Uppers
These people have the same good intentions as the Masters of Empathy, but they express it in a way that seems like one-upping. Sadly, they are unaware and most people won’t bring it to their attention.
If you a Narcissist, I’ve got nothing for you. If you are a Master of Empathy, I’d love your help sharing this post with the Good-Hearted One-Uppers. If you are a Good-Hearted One-Upper, read and apply the tips in this post and people will enjoy being around you a lot more.
If your intention is to show empathy in way that truly affirms the other person, here are tips to make sure you empathize instead of one-up.
Identify and validate the emotion
Empathy is about “feeling” someone else’s emotion. When you relate to someone’s experience, focus on the common emotion. It’s OK to tell them, with statements like,
“I’m angry too.”
“I remember being embarrassed like that before.”
“I feel ya!”
“I’m happy for you!”
Focus on the process (how you felt), not content (what happened)
Empathy is not about the content of what happened to you. It’s about the emotion you felt, the experience you share. Describe only enough of your similar experience to validate the emotion. Going into detail about what you did is one-upping because it diverts attention away from their emotion and back to your life. Instead, try statements like,
“I can relate to your embarrassment. I remember missing a memo and coming to work with the wrong attire.”
“I remember being scared like that during our first pregnancy.”
It’s not a competition
The whole point of empathy is that you feel the SAME thing they feel. Not something more unique or more dramatic. Avoid renaming emotions or bringing up other emotions that weren’t part of the other person’s experience.
One of the hallmarks of empathy is the ability to celebrate another person’s joy without feeling jealous or having to find your own reason to be joyful too.
Keep it short and sweet
The more you talk, the more it’s going to be about you.
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3 Comments
Why does it have to be so hard. If people’s intentions are good, whether they follow a set of rules to say it perfectly or not, that’s what matters. People don’t always express empathy the way we want them to.
Sorry for the delay, Parker. Thanks for your comments.
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this “good hearted one upper” is just Autistic and doesn’t need lessons on how to mask as neurotypical, they just need to have their communication style understood.
Thanks for your comment. I’d love to learn more about your experience being Autistic and a “good-hearted one-upper.” Will you share on this post or email me at nate@next-element.com? Let’s connect.
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Hello Nate, I found this article after searching the difference between one-upping and identifying with others.
I found your article almost 10yrs after it was posted and would like to say that I find some points here incredibly insightful and also missing the mark at the same time.
I am both the “master” and the “good one-upper”
I believe that empathy is a born(master) and learned(good one-upper) trait.
There are many times when I feel absolute physical and emotional pain when listening to a suffering experience from others and decide to share not only my deepest and sincerest grief and sorrow for that person but also my own experiences that that identify with the experiences being shared. I often wonder if those actions are perceived as one-upping.
I’d like to bring a different perspective to the table as someone who has given this topic a tremendous amount of thought.
The first is, I don’t always “one-up” an experience if I have not gone through the same. I simply feel that emotion and express sorrow as I couldn’t possibly imagine actually going through that however I still feel the pain. That, I believe is what you call the master.
However, when I do have an experience that directly relates, the pain of the experience being shared is amplified and I share my own experiences. This is by no means an attempt to minimize the other person or “steal their spotlight”.
For me, the response is threefold.
By sharing my experience, I am demonstrating that my response is genuine and not a surface attempt to make someone feel better. I’ve actually worn those shoes.
Secondly, I’m trying to create a bond with that person by letting them know that they’re not alone.
Thirdly, if the experience I’m hearing has triggered a past experience of my own that perhaps was left unresolved in my life, I’m trying to process my own trauma by identifying with the one in front of me.
This is an incredibly complex situation as you are 100% correct in your assessment as a “small gap” however I don’t believe this to be as cut and dry as you would like it to be.
The first example I gave you is selfless and kind.
The 2nd and 3rd could be perceived as selfish.
I believe one of the pillars of empathy is human connection.
If I am trying to connect by relating then the question is
“Am I selfish?”
And if so, to what degree?
Is trying to bond and relate building human connection or hurting it?
I think this is something that has no cookie-cutter response. Rather I believe it needs to be analyzed on a case by case basis which, in the moment, can be extremely difficult for the “master” as they are wired to feel and if that feeling has its own frame of reference, then one could, and in my personal life, has crossed into the “good one-upper”.
I do not believe in speaking in absolutes, however I’ve never said anything to the sort of
“You think that’s bad, mine is worse”
Even when my experiences were worse.
And that brings about another thing to unpack.
When I’ve had a significantly worse experience, I hope that by sharing a reassurance that one can get through and get by can be conveyed.
I’ve been through a lot in my life and the most egregious things to hear for me are:
“You’re a survivor.”
“You’ll land on your feet.”
“You’re strong.”
While those who say these things are well intended, I feel minimized as just because I’m strong and a survivor, doesn’t make my pain any less.
Believe it or not, when I’m sharing an experience and get “one-upped” by one significantly worse, I find myself thinking “wow, if they can get through that, I can get through this.”
But that’s just me. People are complex, emotions can be messy and everyone’s situation is different.
I think this is a fascinating topic that deserves to be explored more.
I will take the insights, particularly the one about brevity, and start to try to apply it to the way I respond to others.
Thank you, Mindy, for your thoughtful and thorough articulation. I appreciate all that you said, and can tell this is a topic near to your heart. Many great points. That post is from a while back, and our my thinking continues to evolve on this topic. Here’s a more recent post about empathy I wrote. I’d love your perspective. https://www.next-element.com/resources/blog/three-kinds-of-empathy-feedback-requested/
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