Think Of Others First And They Will Think Of You Next

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” is a core principle in Stephen Covey’s worldwide best-selling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This is such sage leadership advice. Focusing first on the needs of others is at the core of servant-leadership. For leaders, this principle is foundational for fostering trust and engagement. But it’s getting harder to convince people of the value.

Servant Leadership Can Be A Tough Sell These Days

I’ve found this principle to be a hard sell for some people, particularly for hard-driving leaders and salespeople.

Hard-driving leaders are smart, experienced, and historically successful. They can become arrogant, convinced that their ideas are the best. “If everyone would just see it my way,” they say, “we’d be better off.” When I coach these leaders, they share their frustration about not feeling understood and wonder why people don’t appreciate their ideas.

Salespeople often struggle with this as well. They are so focused on explaining all the features and benefits of their offering and persuading the person to buy that the last thing they think about is the customer. They are confused and frustrated when they can’t close the deal because they covered all the talking points and addressed every sales objection.

Same Principle, Different Approach

Recently, I was coaching someone, I’ll call him James, who was both a hard-driving leader and heavily involved in business development and sales. The worst case scenario, right?!

There was no way I could convince him to seek first to understand, then to be understood.

So I sought first to understand James’ pain points and aspirations.

James is gifted at making connections, hatching big plans, and building energy around an idea. Where things hit a wall for James is when he needs buy-in from others to implement his plans. He gets so frustrated that people don’t appreciate his brilliant plan and continuously ask questions or throw up roadblocks. He feels embarrassed and angry when he can’t deliver on the promises he’s made.

So here’s what I told him. “If you think of others first, they will think of you next.”

This stopped him dead in his tracks.

“So are you saying that because I don’t think of them first, they aren’t there for me when I need them?”

“Exactly,” I said. “It’s a formula for increasing your influence. Simple math, but up til now, you’ve had the formula backwards.”

Isn’t That Manipulative?

Some of you might be concerned about where this is going. If you seek first to understand, only to get what you want from others later, isn’t that just manipulation?

That’s a valid concern, and here’s what James experienced:

He began investing time and energy in those whose support he needed most. I challenged him to get answers to these questions: What matters most to them? What motivates them? What keeps them up at night? How do your big plans impact them? How do they prefer to communicate? What do they need from you to feel comfortable supporting you?

This challenge forced James to ask questions, pay attention, and listen to understand rather than waiting for his turn to speak. Here’s what he experienced in return.

He gained insight that is helping him negotiate better deals and his peers are coming to him proactively to ask questions and share concerns. Trust has increased, as evidenced by more open and transparent conversations. Most importantly, key relationships are moving from transactional to collaborative.

It Only Works If You Go All-In

James gained a key insight along the way. The only way it works is if you go all-in.

If your intentions are misaligned, things fall apart in two ways. First, people will sniff out your ulterior motives and back away, withholding key information because they don’t feel safe. Second, people will play it safe with you, protecting their interests because they don’t trust that you have their best interests in mind.

Compassionate Accountability® is about building connection and getting results. James is motivated by improving his influence, which ultimately translates into bringing home more big deals that benefit his organization and community.

Think of others first, and they will think of you next. It’s not selfish. It’s just a new spin on old wisdom.

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