
Want More Trust? Have Better Conflict.
Share viaMany leaders have been taught that trust is the foundation for healthy conflict. I first learned it in Lencioni’s Five Dysfunctions of a Team, one of the most influential books on my professional journey.
But what if it’s the other way around? Many of the teams and leaders who come to us for help describe being “stuck” at the conflict stage of their journey. They’ve worked on trust, but when it comes to conflict, things seem to stall out. People either avoid conflict or things blow up. Either way, they feel blocked from getting to the good stuff; commitment, accountability, and results. Can you relate?
So it makes sense that these leaders are asking for help with building trust in their team. They assume that their inability to have healthy conflict means they haven’t built enough trust yet. Although this conclusion makes intuitive sense, it might not be accurate.
Our research and experience from teaching Compassionate Accountability to leaders who have tried many other models has led us to this theory; what if conflict precedes trust?
Here’s why we believe this to be true.
Conflict is where trust is made or broken
Consider these statements:
“Why didn’t she say that to my face? I can’t trust her anymore.”
“Last time I brought it up, he shut me down. So I don’t trust him.”
Trust is easy when there’s no conflict. But when differences and disagreements arise, how we negotiate that with each other determines whether we trust each other.
Conflict starts with me
Conflict is a learned skill. Learning to do good conflict well is not based on trusting others, it’s based on learning and practice. Anyone can initiate healthy conflict, regardless of what’s on the “other side” of the equation. If conflict is dependent on how others respond, there will never be a right time.
Conflict should not be a trust test
Conflict is viewed by most as a “test of trust,” a withdrawal from the social bank account. In other words, “Conflict is hard and scary, so we can’t have conflict until we trust each other.” This represents a dysfunctional relationship with conflict. Waiting to have enough trust before engaging in conflict misses the fact that to do good conflict we must first trust ourselves. When we wait to have enough trust, we will never take the first step.
Courage or Psychological Safety: Which Comes First For High-Performing Teams?
Good conflict builds trust
Conflict is simply the energy produced by a gap between what we want and what we are experiencing. We can use that energy positively to build trust, or negatively in drama.
Conflict is a natural product of diversity, so when we embrace it, we are embracing diversity.
Conflict is the bridge between compassion and accountability, not a divide to be conquered. With positive conflict, we can build connections and get results – it’s a trust-building activity.
Unfortunately, most leaders haven’t been trained in positive conflict skills. Many have had negative conflict role models so they naturally view conflict as a problem.
Positive conflict works when there’s a safe, curious, and consistent environment to struggle with others through differences and disagreements. Compassionate Accountability® is our proven method for building conflict skills so that teams can trust each other when the going gets tough.
Do your leaders have an SOP for conflict?
Teams need a conflict template to build trust
Positive conflict doesn’t happen by accident. It’s a learned skill and there are best practices. We’ve developed and tested a template for positive conflict that is explicit, repeatable and it works. When teams learn and apply this template, everyone knows what’s happening and there are predictable guardrails for the conversation so that surprises are reduced. Our template answers the two most important trust questions; “Am I safe with you?” and “Can I count on you?”
Learn more about the two trust questions.
If your team is struggling to trust each other, the problem might lie in how you do conflict. If you want to build your positive conflict skills to build a culture of Compassionate Accountability, give us a call.
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