What Skeletons Are You Revealing When You Talk?
The holidays are a time of gathering with friends and family, celebrating each other and our blessings. Yet, each of us brings our own baggage, our secret beliefs that work against the spirit of OK-ness. Did you know that every time you open your mouth you are revealing your secret, even without awareness?
It’s called a “miniscript.” Discovered by award-winning psychologist, Taibi Kahler, we all have unhealthy belief patterns that affect our thoughts, feelings, and actions, playing themselves out in daily life. These patterns are first revealed and reinforced through subtle changes in sentence structure, called Drivers. Learn more about Taibi Kahler.
“It’s OK with me, If everyone else is OK with it.”
Revealing our willingness to compromise our own boundaries and needs to please others.
“What, exactly, did you mean by that?”
Revealing an impossible perfectionism expected from others.
“How does that make you feel?”
Revealing an invitation for others to believe they are not in control of their feelings.
“It occurred to me that the holidays are stressful.”
Revealing an acceptance that I may not be in control of my feelings, thoughts or actions.
“I don’t get it. This is confusing.”
Revealing an avoidance of responsibility for my feelings and behaviors by not asking for help.
“What I think he meant to say was…”
Revealing a need to be perceived as perfect in order to be OK.
Every time we utter a Driver, we are revealing beliefs about the conditional OK-ness of ourselves or others. These patterns are laid down and reinforced in our brain’s neural pathways. And, they are correlated with personality type. In our PCM Training and Coaching, we teach people to recognize and break free from these habits. It’s difficult, but not impossible.
One way to train your brain to be more healthy is to practice giving yourself and others positive permissions that reinforce OK-ness. Tune in to my next post for a list of permissions that can unlock new neural pathways towards healthy communication.
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