
The Blessing of Presence
My brother-in-law died from cancer this Spring at the age of 58. He was one of my best friends, my BBQ buddy, and an inspiration to all who knew him. He left behind a wife and two daughters. There are no words to describe the pain and emptiness. Family and friends all want to help, but often don’t know how. If you’ve ever lost someone close to you, or someone close to you has lost someone special, you can probably relate to how difficult it is to know what to say or do and how to respond to someone in grief.
So when I heard this blessing poem from a book my mother shared with my wife, it really struck a chord.
The Blessing You Should Not Tell Me
Do not tell me
there will be a blessing
in the breaking,
that it will ever
be a grace
to wake into this life
So altered,
this world
so without.
Do not tell me
of the blessing
that will come
in the absence.
Do not tell me
that what does not
kill me
will make me strong
or that God will not
send me more than I
can bear.
Do not tell me
this will make me
more compassionate,
more loving,
more holy.
Do not tell me
this will make me
more grateful for what
I had.
Do not tell me
I was lucky.
Do not even tell me
there will be a blessing.
Give me instead
the blessing
of breathing with me.
Give me instead
the blessing
of sitting with me
when you cannot think
of what to say.
Give me instead
the blessing
of asking about him-
how we met
or what I loved most
about the life
we have shared;
ask for a story
or tell me one
because a story is, finally,
the only place on earth
he lives now.
If you could know
what grace lives
in such a blessing,
you would never cease
to offer it.
If you could glimpse
the solace and sweetness
that abide there,
you would never wonder
if there was a blessing
you could give
that would be better
than this—
the blessing of
your own heart
opened
and beating
with mine.
This poem is not just about how to respond to someone in grief and with a loss. It’s about responding to human emotion and experience. When people are experiencing life intensely and emotionally, showing compassion isn’t about fixing, reframing, distracting, looking on the bright side, or otherwise trying to change their current experience. It’s about “giving the blessing of your own heart opened up and beating with mine.” Compassion starts with being open and vulnerable by allowing yourself to just be present.
Next time you don’t know what to say or do, give another person the blessing of presence.
Build your literacy around 87 different emotions and experiences in Brene Brown’s new book, Atlas of The Heart. Chapter 7, “Places we go with others,” focuses on compassion and other connecting emotions and experiences.
Are you experiencing grief or struggling to know how best to support someone you love? David Kessler has some valuable grief resources.
Copyright Next Element Consulting, LLC 2022
“The Blessing You Should Not Tell Me” © Jan Richardson from The Cure for Sorrow: A Book of Blessings for Times of Grief. Used by permission. janrichardson.com
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4 Comments
Well said! I will bet you could tell me many enduring stories about your brother-in-law.
Indeed!
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I am so sorry for your family’s loss. Thank you, this is very helpful, from both sides of grief.
Thanks, Michele.
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I am so sorry for your loss. Many have faced so many losses this past year. I have found a powerful question to be, “What do you miss most about him/her.” And then also to share how that person forever changed my life and perception of the world. Recently our uncle, a new widow after 59 years of marriage, came to dinner with family for the first time after our Aunt’s passing, and I posed this question around the dinner table. He described to me later, that question felt like it deflated the elephant in the room and he could breathe again.
May your memories be a comfort and revelation that we are eternal beings. Even before the foundation of the earth, God knew you and his future memories of you brought him great joy.
Thanks, Cherilyn.
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Julie and Nate, I’m so sorry for your loss! This was a beautiful post and tribute, Nate, and such a blessing to read. Thinking of you both warmly at this time.
Thanks so much Laurie.
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