The Blessing of Presence

My brother-in-law died from cancer this Spring at the age of 58. He was one of my best friends, my BBQ buddy, and an inspiration to all who knew him. He left behind a wife and two daughters. There are no words to describe the pain and emptiness. Family and friends all want to help, but often don’t know how. If you’ve ever lost someone close to you, or someone close to you has lost someone special, you can probably relate to how difficult it is to know what to say or do and how to respond to someone in grief.

So when I heard this blessing poem from a book my mother shared with my wife, it really struck a chord.

The Blessing You Should Not Tell Me

By Jan Richardson

Do not tell me

there will be a blessing

in the breaking,

that it will ever

be a grace

to wake into this life

So altered,

this world

so without.

Do not tell me

of the blessing

that will come

in the absence.

Do not tell me

that what does not

kill me

will make me strong

or that God will not

send me more than I

can bear.

Do not tell me

this will make me

more compassionate,

more loving,

more holy.

Do not tell me

this will make me

more grateful for what

I had.

Do not tell me

I was lucky.

Do not even tell me

there will be a blessing.

Give me instead

the blessing

of breathing with me.

Give me instead

the blessing

of sitting with me

when you cannot think

of what to say.

Give me instead

the blessing

of asking about him-

how we met

or what I loved most

about the life

we have shared;

ask for a story

or tell me one

because a story is, finally,

the only place on earth

he lives now.

If you could know

what grace lives

in such a blessing,

you would never cease

to offer it.

If you could glimpse

the solace and sweetness

that abide there,

you would never wonder

if there was a blessing

you could give

that would be better

than this—

the blessing of

your own heart

opened

and beating

with mine.

This poem is not just about how to respond to someone in grief and with a loss. It’s about responding to human emotion and experience. When people are experiencing life intensely and emotionally, showing compassion isn’t about fixing, reframing, distracting, looking on the bright side, or otherwise trying to change their current experience. It’s about “giving the blessing of your own heart opened up and beating with mine.” Compassion starts with being open and vulnerable by allowing yourself to just be present.

Next time you don’t know what to say or do, give another person the blessing of presence.

Build your literacy around 87 different emotions and experiences in Brene Brown’s new book, Atlas of The Heart. Chapter 7, “Places we go with others,” focuses on compassion and other connecting emotions and experiences.

Are you experiencing grief or struggling to know how best to support someone you love? David Kessler has some valuable grief resources. 

Copyright Next Element Consulting, LLC 2022

“The Blessing You Should Not Tell Me” © Jan Richardson from The Cure for Sorrow: A Book of Blessings for Times of Grief. Used by permission. janrichardson.com